Twenty-Three — Ishani M Patel

Every night for the past year, I have written down one thing from that day that I am grateful for. Some days it's a single sentence, other days hold short reflections or things that have been on my mind. So for the past few days I have been working my way through my little moleskin and really reflecting on this past year. I place a very high value on one's ability to self-reflect, so in honor of another year of walking this planet, here are 23 of my own reflections, lessons picked up along the way, and expressions of gratefulness from this past year (in no particular order).

1. I don't know what the hell I am doing and that's okay for now. I used to have this whole life plan. It was a solid, well-thought-out plan, and I was pretty good at the things I was doing. I think I liked them, but I wasn't fully excited by it. So about a year and a half ago, I scrapped it all and sort of made a new one? And by new one, I mean that I barely know what I am doing, I have some semblance of a possible framework of the things I want out of my life/career and am learning to be okay with these facts. All I know is that there is no way I'm the only one feeling like this (contrary to the carefully curated lives everyone around us is leading as per their social media presences), so I'm just going to go with it because 23 is very much still young so I have time to figure this shit out.

2. Ice cream is always a good idea, and a scoop from Carmela's is usually the best decision you will make even on your best days. It is so easy to get wrapped up into shaming and policing yourself over the little indulgences that make you happy. I do it all the time and then am left feeling annoyed at myself for wanting to indulge in something that brings me an inexplicable amount of satisfaction. So if finding this much joy in frozen, flavored, sweetened, and churned milk is wrong, I don't want to be right (especially if its a scoop of Brown Bread ice cream from Scoops, or Salt and Straw's, Birthday Cakes & Blackberries which is available only in July, much to my sadness).

3. My brother is one of my favorite human beings ever. Six years is a very large age gap, some may even feel like it's an insurmountable gap, and while it is annoying that he has his life pretty much together and I don't, or I abbreviate very to "v" in texts because such is the evolution of the English language when you are in college, and he definitely judges me for it, he also has the uncanny ability to make six years feel like an irrelevant amount of time. Want to know how many nights this past year I wrote a single word - Kunal - as the thing I was grateful for that day? 97 times, and this year isn't even over yet. (Side note: I am grateful for him always, these were just the days that he was the standout.) Siblings are great and mine is one of the best. I don't know what I would do without his partially jealous, mostly reverent rants about the perfection that is Olivier Giroud's hair, spontaneous texts that start mid-conversation, and unwavering confidence in me even when I feel like a mess of a human. I'M V GRATEFUL FOR YOUR EXISTENCE KUNAL.

4. Road trips are good for the soul. There is nothing like driving down PCH, windows down as the sun sets on the Pacific, and your best friend dj-ing in the passenger seat, or driving HWY 89 from Arizona to Utah in the pitch black with only the light from the stars and your own headlights illuminating the road.

5. Find the people who make you laugh until you cry, can't breathe, basically give you a free ab workout, and hold onto them tight. This is self-explanatory.

6. November 20, 2015: I am grateful for humans who use the Oxford comma because it provides me a great deal of clarity. I still fully stand by this statement.

7. in vino veritas. I don't know if my Classics degree ever brought me more joy than the moment I had to translate that little phrase in Latin. Here is my truth: In the past year, I have laughed, complained, cried, and vented over too many bottles of wine to count, with some of the most awe-inspiring people I know. I am so excited to continue doing just that for many more years to come.

8. What makes you vulnerable also makes you beautifully unique. Brené Brown said it best: "Vulnerability isn't good or bad. It's not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience. Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is a weakness is to believe that feeling is a weakness." If you haven't watched her TEDTalk, stop reading this and go watch it. It changed my life.

9. We come from the mountains. Probably my favorite camp song of all time, but also a statement that has resonated a lot with me as of late. I grew up going to Yosemite every summer and spending so much time in nature. I never realized the grounding effect it had on me until it struck me one day that I could not remember the last time I wandered amidst the trees. I need to stop taking this planet and its beauty for granted.

10. January 3, 2016: There is nothing quite like having a dance party to Beyoncé on a frozen Lake Tahoe without a care in the world. I am grateful to have started a new year with so much laughter.

11. Talk less, Listen more. I firmly believe that the one thing that we all want in this world is to feel heard, to feel understood, and to feel accepted. The minute you shut up and make space for the people around you to express themselves and their truth, you will automatically grow as a person while supporting another human on their journey on this planet. It's not that hard, so why don't we all do it more?

12. On that note, say what you mean and mean what you say. As heartbreaking as it is for me to accept this, Professor X does not exist, nor does the ability to read minds. Honest communication could solve a lot of problems and yet it is something that a stupidly large amount of people refuse to partake in. It isn't easy, and to be honest I think it all comes back to vulnerability, but if we all started practicing a little more intentionality with our words, what a better world this would be.

13. March 22, 2016: Drive by Oh Wonder playing, the sun rising over the snow covered mountains of Yoho National Park. This is what bliss feels like. My last spring break was one for the books.

14. June 11, 2016: Thankful to have had the opportunity to pursue a higher education when so many like me are not allowed to. Thankful for the fight it took to earn it. Thankful for all the lessons inside and outside the classroom.

15. No one is entitled to your time, energy, or your attention. Anyone who knows me knows that I struggle with how much of myself to give to other people, to projects, to causes, etc. So this realization has been a hard one, and is very much a serious work in progress. I will never apologize for wanting to give myself to the people and things I believe in, I think it is one of my best qualities as an individual, but I need to learn how to set better boundaries without feeling guilty about it. Hopefully my 23-year-old self will be better at this than my 22-year-old self was.

"give yourself permission to say:
-not right now
   -not today
   -no
you do not have to do everything
   for everyone. " ---alex elle

16. Take time to write your thoughts down. It has been so cathartic to get all the things going on in my head out on a piece of paper. No one has to see them, but the release of my thoughts in some form has made a world of difference.

17. Be humble & hustle. A personal mantra, coined for me by one of the truest friends I have. Honestly, it's really simple and a way of reminding myself of one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given; "You will get more done if you stop caring about who gets the credit for it." Put your head down and work hard. Credit may come, and if it doesn't, who cares? If you are focused about doing the work for the credit than you need to rethink why you are doing the work. (Hello somewhere around 70% of the activists I encountered during my time at UCLA, I am talking to you.)

18. May 2, 2016: I am so grateful to have stumbled upon the Clothesline Display three years ago, I'm honored and humbled to have been able to lead the organization that provides that beautiful, healing space. Thank you for your safety Clothesline, I do not know who I would be without your existence.

19. Listen to your body. I took a series of yoga classes this past year that completely changed everything for me. Your body tells you a lot of things, you just need to be patient and willing to listen.

20. The only timeline that matters is your own. Stop getting caught up with when other people are doing stuff and just focus on when you want to. This will take away at least 50% of the stress in any given situation.

21. August 24, 2016: The concept of a home, of shelter, is something I take for granted. So I want to take a moment to appreciate that I have always had a roof over my head, and never had to even ponder a reality without one. This was the day I volunteered up near Baton Rouge helping scrap the houses of those affected by the flood. While I have worked with people who have found themselves homeless, it was an entirely eye-opening experience to see people finding themselves in this condition, seeing the place they called their home completely gutted, its contents laying in piles at the edge of their property, waiting to be hauled off to a landfill.

22. July 12, 2016: This is hard but I am grateful for doing stupid shit that makes me angry with myself I guess? Because I have found wonderful people that accept me even when I make poor choices and tell me that it's okay that I fucked up. Mansi, Christine, Bria, Seema, Kayla. Chrissy. Thank you for always showing me kindness, especially when I am unable to extend it to myself.

23. Stop apologizing for who you are. I find it so interesting that this world makes it so easy to feel less, and makes it so hard to accept the quirks that set you apart. I see everyone around me struggle with it, regardless of their age, background, or life experiences, and I know I am definitely not immune to the feeling of not being enough either. Or is it that we apologize so much because the few times we have had the courage to be wholly ourselves we have been rejected, so maybe a single negative experience hardens us from showing someone else some kindness and acceptance. Maybe if we could all just practice a little bit more kindness, to ourselves and to others, we would all be better off. Maybe that is idealistic, some may say naive, but I would rather be hopeful than resign myself to a world where people settle for not being enough, where I allow myself to settle for some diluted version of myself.

So here it is, my "Jordan Year".
Well, MJ. I hear you.
I'm ready for the pursuit of another year of life in this world living a life that I love, and I won't make any excuses.